It's another new week at work. I am finding myself buried in tons of problems and admin lapses that the previous people from the company either did not do or refused to do. Probelms that have accumilated to the extend that i do not even know where to begin salvageing. Over in my personal life, Things are not looking up either. I find myself living a perpetual lie every single day, be it at home or in the office, forced by circumstances that are totally beyond my control. This sucks. TOTALLY. I have always held myself with the principles of truth, trust and honesty, especially to my friends and those i hold dear in my life. Yet, i slap myself in the face because i have to do the direct opposite in my daily life. Only, i'am not just putting up the show for myself anymore. It's my whole family and their "face" that i have to help protect.
My close friend asked me once, why i choose to stay on in a circle of people are are many years my junior, In a circle whereby the lifestyle they lead is frowned upon by most people. That's right. For those who don't already know, I'am gay. And i make no attempts to hide nor deny this fact. God knows i have enough lies in my life already. i do not want to lie about my preference as well. The truth is, the friends i have got to know throughout the many years have already turned into my family, a family that i have shared the most happiest time of my life, as well as the most painful ones. Not that i have not tried to turn back before. I have tried, and failed miserably. As for why ichoose the younger crowd to be with, with many rumours running about that i am peado, i don't have to defend those accusations because i simply do not need to. My personal life is filled with politics and lies.... i NEED to be with people that have the gift of joy and hope. These are the people who can make me feel alive again, to make me sane..... to ground me to this life....
I have had my fair share of sorrows whilst in this circle too.... to see the people you love, only to choose others and you can only smile and give them your blessings, it's a feeling worse then being burned by a thousand flames. I have lost people close to me when i revealed to them what i really am. They just cannot accept the fact that there are gays around this world.... i guess..... i cannot blame them too... they are afraid, and with fear, comes rejection. Many people will tell you they dun mind that you are one... but ultimately, you know there is this barrier that can never be removed already. Isn't there?
I have loved a few people in my life.... still do.... unfortunately, all of them felt i was either too old, or too ugly for them. Such is the way of life i guess. Given a choice, i would still choose this path. Becasue guys, you are my family. Trust that.
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