Tuesday, March 23, 2004

22nd March 2004

I turned 24 years of age yesterday. Time really flies when you don't notice. I had a great party at my place over the weekend and, although i ended up 2 handphones poorer, i still managed to see new faces and make new friends. I also had the opportunity to catch up with people i have not met up with for a long time.

Birthdays are always a good time for reflections, to evaluate the life one has had thus far. In my case, i have had a change of fortunes the past year. I was suddenly given the wealth and the lifestyle i could only dream about when i was younger. However, everything comes with a price. For the wealth and the lifestyle, i had to give up my identity and principles, to live a perpetual lie everyday. I hate it. Only, i have to think of my family now... it's not just about me anymore. This is the price my whole family had to pay for. Might as well live with it and enjoy it the best i can. Suffice it to say, there is a very strong need for me to find a common ground. A group of friends where i can be who i am. No worries and no restrictions. This, again, was also not easy. The rumours and the backstabing.... sometimes i really get so sick of it all. Till now, those backstabing has not ceased, rather, has even increased. Nonetheless, i am content that i still have a handful of true friends that i can count on. Granted that the circle of friends and the lifestyle i took is frowned upon by the majority, but this is also where i found my best friend for the past decade. For those who came to my party, i thank you from the bottom of my heart and i am greatful that you have obliged me with your presence. I had a few good suprises too... Firstly i recieved an SMS from someone who broke off our friendship not too long ago, we were very close before that.... he would stay over at my place and we would joke, eat, play together. He was like a little brother to me. Then, i told him that i was Gay. From then on, everything changed. There was instantly a barrier between us. One that was unsaid, but so strongly felt. He sent me a very strongly worded SMS which i still keep with me right now. But, miracles do happen. He sent me a happy birthday message and apologised that he could not make it to my party after all. I realised something at that moment. Both he and i lived in two different circles, not that he could not accept me for what i am, rather, he was brought up in an enviroment that condems such a lifestyle. It didn't help that he was a baptised christian either. Wadever his reasons for ending our friendship, i want him to know that whatever happens, my door will always be opened for him.

Not that my lifestyle is any easier. There are times where insensitive remarks and actions really hit me hard. Sometimes it really got so bad, i feel like just walking away, to give it all up. But one does not leave his friends/family just because of small set backs like these. When we accomodate and compromise, we find that it's so much easier to stay together, and to be able to trust one another. I would like to specifically thank the following people for turning up for my party

QinAn Gf

PS: if i missed out anyone please let me know.


EarlGrey blogged @ 8:59 AM | archives

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James Lee Ng
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