Tuesday, March 02, 2004

It's a start of another week.... the last week was...well.... colourful. I had a big fight with my mom in the office. It was a personal issue, but somehow, things have a way of getting out of hand. I have never been a believer of jesus or God. However, i found myself going to a church, and spent the better half of the day crying....crying becasue i had to fight with my own mother...crying because i felt so lousy about myself. I asked for a miracle.... Anything that would please help resolve this tension in the house. A few days later, My sister got her O levels results. She got 6 Distinctions. Better then her brother by alot, of course. However, i am still happy for her. Why? simply because she is my sister. My brother also got his results... not as good, but still able to get into poly. My mom was OVERJOYED with my sis's results. Perhaps that was the miracle that was to happen. I have never been good at anything in my life. Not in love or in person. In my mother's eyes, i will always be the unfilial son, the son who would not respect her and always talking back at her. Perhaps she IS right.... maybe i AM a good for nothing after all.

There are certain people who sees me as rich, With a decent job that pays well....now with 3 houses and 2 cars. Yet, i am the poorest person alive. I have neither the love from my mom nor the love from a person beside me. I have the money, the cars and the status. But am i STILL a person, if i can't even get my own house in order? In reality, I'am just an uneducated, ugly and poor person who is trying to make ends meet in my life. The houses and the cars... it was NEVER mine to begin with. I am trying so hard, so hard to get things done. To earn as much as i can, so that my mom can enjoy the materialistic things and status that she so desires. Yet, i will never be at the level of my sister. She has always been the favourite in the family. I am the one who has had to struggle, to fight for what is mine, to earn each and every cent of what i have. In the end, the only words i can hear is "Is that the best you can do?"

I love my mother...and my sister. But, would they EVER notice it?

I had to find an outlet, i had to find an escape. I turn to my friends. My best friend can understand my pain, yet, there is nothing he can do to help. No one can, to be sure. I looked into my cellphone. There are so many entries. I could only call 2 numbers. It's such a big joke. why do i have so many numbers yet can only call so little? We went for KTV.... And, my brother and nephew left without a word of good bye. I was left alone with my best friend....YET AGAIN..... I was so angry.... dissapointed.... resigned. I understood that they have their own affairs to tackle.... and.... i would not be a brother to them if i didn't understand. At the end of the day, i just have to swallow the insult and put on a smile

I have been so misunderstood.... A friend left his watch at my place, i asked if he wanted it back, and told him i believe his watch is 10 mins early. Without thinking, he assumed that i have tinkered with his watch, and seen his personal stuffs. Again, i had to swallow the insult, and put on a smile. Perhaps, i really AM a bad person.... people has already had the misconceptions about me, i dun think i can ever turn it back.

To those who are reading this, if you feel i'am not worthy to be your friend/brother/whatever, Please, just tell me so. Don't make it harder then it has to be.

I have alwys tried to be there for you people, Can't you guys be there for me?

EarlGrey blogged @ 9:03 AM | archives

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