Saturday, July 03, 2004

July 3rd, Saturday, 2004


It's been another long while since i last updated my blog. Much has happend the last few months. Firstly, i had a big fall out with my mom and has since moved out to live alone. Needless to say, i have also left my mom's boyfriend's company. I have since moved back to my flat in the east. It has not being easy for me during these trying period. I had to struggle with the damages that was unattended in my flat, spending a great portion of my savings in the repairs itself. Looking for employment now is also difficult. I was at a total loss.

It didn't help matters when i also realised that my "friends" are also slowly dissapearing. It is amazing how people can turn and walk away when you are down at your worst moment. And then, there are still others walked away because of what i am. I have no doubt in my mind that alot more of my "friends" will leave me after they have read this blog. My friendster friends are slowly declining. Slowly but surely. I look at the long list of names i have in my phone book, yet, there are barely a handful whom i can really call to or SMS. And then, there is this personal stigma that i have yet to overcome. I have always tried to be as open and truthful to my friends as i can ever be. Yet, one thing remains hidden deeply in my heart, afraid of being told, for fear of rejection and condemnation. The truth that is, that i am, and always have been, Gay.

There are a few people whom i treasure deeply as a friend, there are some others hom i would like to remain friends with. Unfortunately, we live in a very realistic and bias world, don't we? A person like myself, would not be what a straight person whould call a friend. Our livestyle is just too different. There has and always will be a rejection to same gendered relationship amongst the majority of the human race. This i have learnt the hard way. I have lost too many people whom i hold dear in my life just because of the fact that i have told them the truth of who and what i really am. It Hurts.

I have spent a better part of my youth searching for a soul mate, someone who would accept me for what and who i am. I have been unsuccessful in either. Know this, however, that i am not without friends of the same orientation as i am. However, it is disheartening to realise after so long, that none would fancy me as a soul mate. This is testament of the total failure which my life has been, On the personal front as well as family.

I am human too, just like every other human being on this planet. I do need to love, and be loved as well. I know that, by publishing my blog, the potential can of worms may just be my ultimate undoing. Yet, i could find no other alternative to vent my fustration, my extream loneliness and sadness.

I am just looking for acceptence...... is that REALLY too much to give?

EarlGrey blogged @ 8:27 AM | archives

---*make it real*---

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James Lee Ng
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