24th AUG 04 0016Hrs
Have you ever really looked into your cell phone's name list before? As in REALLY look through it seriously? I have. I have a hundred over contacts in my cell phone. But when it comes down to it, there are only a handful i do contact on a regular basis, be it an actual call or SMS. When i need someone to chat with, or things i have on my mind and need a listening ear, there is NO-ONE in my phone book i can contact. Why do i keep these numbers in my list then? Honestly, i do not have the answer. I have tried SMSing a "hello", or just a simple "Hi". Very so often, i won't get a single reply. Sometimes i wonder why i got their numbers for in the first place.
Not that i never get calls before though. I will sometimes get calls from people who needs my help, be it monetary or emotional. I try. I can't be by my phone 24 hours a day. But i do try. A handphone has become so much a part of us that we feel cut off from the world if we do, in the unfortunate event lose our phones. Yet sometimes, having a handphone can be a very irritating inclusion of our daily lives. Ironic, isn't it? As i look through my contact list today, i realised that i have so little people i could communicate with. Fact of the matter is, i am real lonely. Solitude has really begun to eat into me, piece by piece, bit by bit, hour by hour, day by day. A simple "hello" or even a little "hi". It would have made my day. I guess sometimes, life has a way of playing cruel jokes on you. Making you feel just a sense of loneliness yet as the same time, give you the illusion that you have alot of friends after all.
I am just looking for someone to be by my side. To talk. To have fun. To laugh. To cry. Yet, it all seems so far away from me now. Maybe because i will never be accepted. Or maybe because i am cursed. Or maybe because i just dun have the qualities that attracts. I may never know
Till then, i continue to look through my phone book, sending out SMSes, hoping beyond all hope, that somehow, someway, my call will be answered.
Time to meditate again
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