Friday 13th, Aug 2004
SELF WORTH
Many times we ask ourselves, why are we here? what is our purpose? Why can't we have this? why can't we have that? Our lives are filled with "Whys". Perhaps this is just our own sub-concious way of learning. To question, to understand. I questioned myself today. Had a terrible headache. Sneezed like crazy and sounded like donald duck on a bad feather day. It was during this time of illness, when i was frantically searching for the panadols and the tissues that i really had a look at my own house. The unit in which once, years ago, had been a home. A home to a proper, loving family. Now, it is but a unit that shelters one broken, lost and lonely soul.
ME.
Broken, because i could not do anything to salvage the family. To mend the rift that has grown far too wide with the years. The sense of hoplessness that overcame me when i saw the ones dearest to me leave. To slowly see the family degrade, distrust and ultimately depart. Was there SOMETHING i could have done? ANYTHING? i guess that answer will never come to me.
Lost, now that i am alone, having left the family both in fustration and dissapointment. I have no one to turn to. I do not even have the luxuary of a home cooked meal. A home that, when i return to everyday, would be there to greet me. To smile, to laugh, to just BE THERE. No...
I have nothing.
Lonely. That was all i have ever been the past 24 years. No Soul Mate. No one that i can share my joys in life with. No one to share my sorrows in life with. No one.
Just an empty house, with a bare fridge, with the newspapers piling up, un-ironed laundry. With only the shadows and my work for company.
What IS worth? do we live for ourselves, or are we only worth our weight in family, fame and wealth? And i now poor, pathatic because of my current situation, or wealthy, because i am now on my own two feet, able to make my OWN choices and seek my own path?
Worth? or not worth it at all?
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