21st SEP 04 Tuesday 2200Hrs
I have been encountering failures after failures this these few week. Firstly, I failed to update my Blog as much as i would have liked to. Then, i recieved my Driver Theory test results. I FAILED. AGAIN.
As if THAT alone wasn't enough, Some one whom i treated as a friend and brother absconded with my money. It's small comfort that at least, the money he ran away with was not too big a sum. As for my driver's test, well..... i re-took it tonite. Thankfully i had the mind to book another date that time just in case of such eventualities. I was so sure i would pass the test that time round. Honestly, i never really prepared for the test. I mean, it's just basic common sense isn't it? Well... i am once again reminded by my own actions, no less, that we always have to prepare for events, no matter how small or trival it may seem.
On the business front, we failed to get 3 major contracts. THREE!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! a total worth of 3.8M SGD, down the drain. Just because it seems that my company is just too small and new for them to even consider our proposal.
Another failure. Now, due to the investments we have thrown in to make the proposals and presentations, my company is in the red. Can hardly even support myself now.... i was reduced to having to borrow from my sister just to have a simple meal a day.
On the personal front. I wasted one whole Saturday afternoon walking around Bishan MRT aimlessly trying to look for a PC game for JaYang. Sweaty and hot, i must have walked around the entire area fifty times before i finally gave up and got back home. Jayang couldn't give me the proper location of the shop and since i don't live around that area, i was as lost as he was. But of course, Jayang was sitting comfortably at home just waitong for his game to arrive. Not that it's his fault. He is pretty restricted in his freedom to leave his home. So, he turned to me for help. However, i failed YET again. I just couldn't find the place. Hot and angry, i just gave up and got home. Now, WHY would i want to do all these things, for a kid that won't even appreciate what has been done for him? Why waste my time on something as stupid as this?
Well.... I guess, it's because when i was young, i never had anyone i could count on. To turn to for help. My dad would usually come back late late in the night. Sometimes as drunk as hell. And if i go to my Mother, well.... let's just say i would only be getting scoldings and the cane, whichever took her fancy that time. My parents would just brush my problems and feelings aside. I was forced to take care of my self. Speak to myself, keep even my most saddest moment myself. I was alone. There was no one i could trust. No one who actually cared enough to give just that little bit more.
I swore to myself. I will never do this to another person. Not to my future children, not even to my friends. Alas. It turns out, i get hurt even more in the process. Perhaps his is just my fate. To forever be giving... and never finding peace. Thats why, i fear, i will Never be able to make a good father. But then again, this is something only time will tell.
Meanwhile, I WILL perserver. I will face this challenge, and see it to it's end.
But first, i need to meditate.
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