5th and 6th SEP 04 SUN ~ MON
INNER DEMONS
Sundays are supposed to be a time for relaxation, to recharge and to recover from the previous week's stresses and what nots, Yes? That's what i thought i was doing when i went out with Edric in the late afternoon to the Esplanade. Met Andre and Aaron there. That idiot Edric can even leave them in peace to do their business in the toilet. Had to rush in and irritate them. Anyways we went for dinner at Marina Square Kenny Rogers. The rest weren't hungry... but i was starving so i got myself a dark quarter chicken (the drumstick part) and the rest just got some muffins, soup and mac cheese.
Edric as usual HAVE to be the clown. Drinks the soup and left All the celery and carrots intact. Felt like slapping him. REALLY. Then i received the SMS.
My sister wanted to meet me.
I told her to meet us at Kenny Rogers, since she was actually outside too. My sister opened up fast to the guys.. almost as if they were old friends already. Sheesh... Kids...... We left the restaurant awhile later and made our way window shopping. Then my mother rang my sister... to check up on me.....
Now, know this. I'am not someone who gets effected by trivial matters easily. However, there is something about a broken up family that really strikes me deeply. I was suddenly reminded how far apart i was from my own sister, even when we are just right there besides each other. It is ridiculous that a family have to live apart, get so bitter about each other. Yet, that very thing is happening to me.
I love my family. My dad, my mom (Yes. i DO love my mother... with all my heart. still do...even now), My sis and my brothers. However, i cannot bring myself to FORGIVE nor CONDONE the actions that my mother chose to do. She made the choice to lead the life she wants and I, in return, chose to leave the facade and all the hypocrisy that her lifestyle makes.
And how i have paid dearly for that decision. I had to live alone. Cut off from the basic need of every human being. The love and warmth of a family. The sad realisation that there is no turing back from what has happened.
Every action has consequences. This is the principle that i have always adhered to. I do not regret my decision to leave. What i DO regret is that things have to turn out this way. I guess each and everyone has his/her own personal demons that they need to deal with. Mine... well..... lets just say it's much bigger.
I am so tired.... so drained.....
Time to meditate.
EarlGrey
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