24TH OCT 2004 SUNDAY 0716PM
A DISTANT WORD
I struggled with the decision for a long time. I finally decided it had to be done. I had to end it. End it as soon as possible. He didn't understand when i sent the SMS to him. He couldn't accept that it was the only way. But it was. He questioned me. He cried. Well, i did too. The time prior to my decision, we were close. He was the only one who made me feel appreciated. He showed real care and concern over my well being. We would talk on the phone for hours, way till the wee hours of the morning. And we had alot to talk about. Alot of common things that we shared. We clicked. But the truth always hurts. He is straight and i am not. We are from two different worlds. Life is cruel in that sense. When he questioned why i had to leave him like that, to cut off all communication, like as if we never known each other, I had no answer. Not because there is none, but because i just couldn't say it. I have been searching for a soul mate for a very very long time. He was the closest thing to a boyfriend i ever had. But it's not right. It not real.
I was deceiving myself. It wasn't possible between us. I knew that. But i just didn't want to accept the truth. I mean, i searched for so long! All my life. It was almost perfect. i wanted it to. I didn't care if it was fake. I just wanted the feeling, the feeling of being with someone close. I have been lonely all my life is it too much to just ask for this little thing? I don't want to care what people think. I just wanted it to be prefect. Then the truth hit me. I was selfish. It was turing out to be something I wanted. For me. Alone. I thought about him. His smile, his voice, his ambitions, his life.
And i broke down.
He deserved better. He deserved the BEST that the world can offer. But it won't happen if i am in his life. If anything, i will destroy his life. When he asked me "WHY", I just couldn't say it. I couldn't find it in myself to say "Because i am afriad i will fall in love with you." This was the ONLY way. I will not allow him to enter the circle i am in. The lifestyle that i lead that is frown upon by so many. That which makes People like me a monster, a person of ill intent, and god knows what else in the minds of others. I will not allow him to recieve such comments from ANYONE. I fainted at home the other night. There was no one else at home. I had forgotten to take my medication and the emotions must have knocked me out. I was helpless. Weak and crawling on my floor in an empty house. I thought i was dying. Then the next time i know, i was awake again. The sun has raisen and it was a brand new day.
I was still alive. Small comfort for one whose life has gone soo wrong.
I love you Julius. And because of that, we must never see each other again. No contact, No calls, No memories. You WILL move on. And you WILL be a somebody in your future. Take Care.
And one day..... You WILL forget i was even there.
Why is it so hard? Have i done anything so wrong in my life that i have to face all these challenges in life? Is it SO WRONG to just want someone by my side? To want someone whom can love me for who and what i am?
I guess, in my case. IT IS.
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