19th NOV 2004 Friday 1130pm
I have been thinking hard these few days if i should write this. In the end, the answer was right infront of me all the while. TRUTH. I have always talked about truth to my younger peers and i should do the same too. But the truth is always hard, isn't it? But it had to be done.
They will never understand me. Not because they refuse to, but just because they CAN'T. Recently i met a few new friends. Wonderful people. We got to know each other very well in a span of just a few days. 2 of them would later turn out to be my god-brothers too.
My business has failed. My partner has pocketed all my company funds and absconded. I was left with nothing. At my wit's end, i was forced to go back to my "family". Broken, yet trying very hard to put up a charade of happiness and wealth. But then these new friends where there to provide comfort to me. They were willing to listen to my "preachings" and were paitient when i could not control my sudden bursts of moods. But there is something they will never understand, nor can they provide.
All my life i have been searching. Searching for a partner. Someone who would be my soul mate. Alas, it was not to be. I am truely appriciative to my friends who were there for me when i was down. But the truth is, they will never be able to accept me.
I thought i found one recently. But in the end, we could be nothing more then just friends. That hurt a hell lot. But Hey, shit happens. Truth be told, if i were to ask ANY of them if they would accept my kind of love for them, it will most definately break our friendship. Maybe even worse. Things such as this can't be forced. Yet, i'am not getting any younger as the days pass. I found that i have to watch my actions when i go out with them. Even a simple pat on the shoulders, or a rub on the head, i had to refrain from doing so. I try to keep NO form of contact with them physically. I dun want any misunderstandings to happen and YES. I know they are subconsiously careful of me too. It's not their fault. They can't help it. It's in their nature. And sadly... i can see it.... but they can't. They keep asking me, why am i so sad all the time, why i dun cheer up, why i seem to have given up when they are trying so much to b there for me. The simple answer is,
I need LOVE.
And not just friendship love... but something more then that. I need a soul mate. A real relationship. That's what i really want. That's what i am really looking for. And that's a disater waiting to happen. If i were to approach either of them, well.... the fact is, the friendship we have now would be broken.
It's just the way it is.
I thought i found someone recently. However, it was not meant to be. We could be nothing more then just friends. He told me that if things were different, if i was much younger, and i wasn't a male myself, he would readlily accept me, without question. But that's just the point isn't it? Stigma? Fear? Rejection? I do love him, and i always will. But he will never be able to accept me, and i can never expect him to, for he has already given all he could. He is a good kid. and he deserves all the best in his life. I ask for nothing. He is happy now. And so am i.
And i have to let him go.
Even now i'am still hurting...... more and more each day. But he will never be touched by what i do. NEVER.
Even the few new people that i got to know recently. It will NEVER happen.
It's funny. Sometimes, i just feel like dying.
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