22nd NOV 2004 Monday 1014am
RESET.
After a week of trying, it has finally come to the peek of everyone's endurance. The rift between my mother and I has been found to be irreparable. It was not easy for me to come back home, and certain things that happened the past few days have confirmed that returning home is impossible. i had a great fight with my mother and her Boyfriend just last night. So much so that my HBP acted out and i collapsed on the floor. Apparently, my mother never even lifted a finger to help. It was the old man who tried to apply some medicated oil on me. After i came to, things quieten down and we had a truthful, heart to heart talk betwee me and the old man. Certain issues were clarified and understood;
1) I bear no grudges against the old man and neither does he to me.
2) He admitted that certain things my mother did to me, in particular were excessive and unnecessary.
3) He admitted that If he were in my shoes, and having to see my own mother living and shareing the same bed with another man whilst leaving her two kids ALONE in another flat was hard to swallow.
4) He maintained, however, that my mother acted the way she did because she loved me dearly. I begged to differ.
5) Our personalities clashed. He, the dictatoral type, and me, the no nonsense type that will not allow anyone to control me, least of all, a stranger.
6) It was agreed that the best action now is for me to move out, as the old man does not want a repeat of what happened last night . As a point of goodwill, he will give me a sum of money and that would officially mean i sever ties with my mother.
I agreed. Since there was no hope of repairing whatever damage was done, it makes no point of trying to pretend nothing has happened like a grand facade. The Money the old man haspromised me will help me go for a Law Degree course i am very interested to take, and help me clear some of my more urgent bills.
It's another chance for me to get back on my feet again. And as i have mentioned earlier in my previous entry, the very reason why i came back home is because i no longer have anything to work with. Now that he has promised me SOMETHING, i feel it's only for the best.
My mother may never get to read this, But i would just like to wish her all the best in her dreams. She has all the money and status she has been coveting for so long now. I am truely happy for her. I love her still, she is, after all, my mother still. However, a big portion of the love has died.
I am very very dissapointed that someone, a parent no less, would, becasue of money, riches and status turn on her own flesh and blood. If my mother feels i am unfilia, then so be it. She will no longer have a son. She won't have a son to look after her when he is ill, and she won't have a son to send her off when she dies. This, i PROMISE.
I know i will suffer retribution for my actions. But, i cannot believe someone can be a parent even after he/she turns their backs on their flesh and blood because of material gains. Not only is this irresponsible, it is utterly selfish. And it's almost VULGUAR to justify those very actions with the words "I did it for the children"
Everyone has to take responsiblility for his/her own actions. I will gladly accept mine. Will she?
If there are any powers that be that are reading my blog, I want it known, That if possible, i will myself repay whatever debts in money or kind that my mother has accumilated in her life. Not becasue i want to, but because it's my duty.
I pray, at least, allow my mother to pass on in peace when her time comes. Even when i'am not there to send her off.
God, Help me
EarlGrey
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