Sunday, July 31, 2005

Sunday 31st July 05 1240am


Where do i begin? I have so much things in on mind that i am at a real loss as to what to say or write. Lately i have been troubled by many things in life. I have no idea why. I just feel so trapped, and yes... so alone in this world. I have recieved ont one but 2 legal letters to demand payment for my overdue accts. I have nothing to lose anyway. Might as well just declare myself a bankrupt.

But there is something that i don't understand. I'am actually not really affected by this issue. In the end, it's just money isn't it? If i have no money, the most i'll just be poor. It's not against the law to be poor is it? True, i many not have as many friends as i would have liked. Don't make that sinngering laugh. It's a fact of life. Not many people would want to associated themselves with poor nobodys who can't even afford a proper meal for themselves.

And i don't blame them. People have enough problems of their own to care about others.

I need someone in my life to help me through this period of my life. And that's where the problem begins. Many people don't understand why i choose to have a male partner instead of the usual female partner to share my life with. It's really simple. I'am just looking for a soul mate. Does it HAVE to be a female? what's wrong with having a boyfriend if i'am male? What logic is that? I have lost many people whom i really would have liked to be friends with due to my this "oddity". I just want to have someone who can be there for me. share my happiness with. Cry on the shoulder provided. Someone whom i can love, as a person and be loved back in kind. What rule states that this person HAS to be a FEMALE?
True. I do not attempt to deny that in a relationship such as this, physical intimacy tends to take place. Such as the embracing of one another, the closeness of the other party. Again, what's wrong with a little intimacy between close friends? It's acceptable for lesbians to be around yet it's a taboo to see gays holding hands in public? Perhaps that's just truth in this world.
I am not a perfect person. I have my own strengths and weaknesses. But in the end, i'am also human, like everyone else. I have always done things for the better of others. Especially to those i care about. But one by one, they walk away. It's so easy to just drop it and turn away. Because at the end of the day, it's not THEM that feels the hit.

I don't really know how long i have left. It may be a year, ten years or even one day or 5 mins after i post this blog. In the end, life IS just like this. It ends when it does. We have no power over it. Why can't we just let go of outside influences and just make ourselves happy? learn? experience?

I walked around aimlessly on friday. I walked and walked. And i saw many couples happily holding hands and just..... spending time together. I was filled with envy and sadness. They really have happiness, no matter how short that may last. And then i realised.

I love them. I really do. Julius, Jayang, Eddie, Lester, Jon, Isaac, etc. Yes. I do care. I do love. And by god, i'am not afraid to admit it. And because of that. I cannot be with them anymore. They are straight people who can never understand how i feel. I know then that i must do something. Something that would make a difference for them. It was a big big mistake to have even made the effort to make friends with them in the first place. They should be with their respective female partners, could be now, could be later. Dosen't really matter. I'am never gonna be a part of their equation anyway.

I have nothing left in my life. No reason for them to be involved with my problems too. I'll just take my time to quietly dissapear. Yes. I am still looking for my soul mate. But, perhaps, i will never be able to find it, just because

Because i'am a monster and a freak of nature.


EarlGrey blogged @ 12:40 AM | archives

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