Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thursday 17th Nov 05 1.30am


Lately i have been asking myself many questions. Perhaps due to the fact that on reflection, i found that there are really many flaws in my life. My family, My life, My friends. My family, for one, is broken and filled with problems and fustration. I am seperated from my father, mother and sister. I live alone now and no doubt, there is freedom, but at the end of it all, at the end of the day, i return from a day of school or training to an empty space. I really envy my friends who have an intact family. Why can't my family be the same? Is money really so important that even families can be sacrificed, for that big house and that big car? Is that what we as humans in this time and age has "evolved" to? Sure. Money is important, no doubt about that. Without it, there can be no survival. But to covet it such that nothing else matters? even your own flesh and blood? Your own kin? At the end of the day, can you bring that bank account of yours to your grave? to rest for eternity with you when you expire?

My life is no better. I am alone. No one to talk to that understand me. Heck, i don't even understand myself most of the time. Talking about love? Do i even dare have it? True. I am desperate for some effection. At my age, who isn't? But no. It's not to be. Girls find me ugly, Guys find me Ugly. Heck, even dogs bark at me when i walk past them. My phonebook has more then a hundred entries. Yet, when i send SMSes out, i get only one or two replies. When i try to get people out for some coffee or movie, more often then not, it's a negative reply. I tried to woo a girl recently. YES. A Girl. With breasts and a bloody Vagina. I'am not bloody gay ok!!!! Just.... open minded when it comes to relationship. And you know, it really provides for some good kicks when you try pick up lines on boys and just see them revulse in horror. PRICELESS. Alas, and i say this with conviction, heaven seems to hate me alot. I put up hints to the girl i fancied and lo and behold, the next day she announces that she has a new boyfriend and no, it was not me. Like. WHAT THE FISH. So yeah. that idea was mooted. I have been in the gay circle for a long time. Perhaps, because of my own insecurities in a relationship, seeing how my family turned out to be. People i know who changes girlfriends like they are items on a shelf. To be honest, i have great respect for the female gender. Some women i know really make me take my hat off them for their courage and fiestiness in the face of adversity. I doubt even guys can manage their type of courage. Having said that however, i must reiterate that such females are VERY RARE. And usually taken. In all honesty, i don't know who reads my blog. Only the handful that tags in my tagboard. And as Julius so aptly puts it, my faithful readers. Since i have faithful readers, i have taken to be truthful in my blog. To convey through words and my compositions to my readers about the real me. No gimmicks. Just plain old unadulterated me. it's hard. Truely. I risk losing new friends, who don't know me that well, and when they read about me they would most proberly go "Shit! James is gay!!! WTF!!!!" and before i know it, the replies to my sms ceases to come. The looks and the way they react to me when they by some act of god HAD to see me and avoidence is impossible. Well. I have had it all. Yes the truth really hurts sometimes. But hey, Respect and trust must be earned. I bare myself here, in my blog, for other's scrutiny. Some people just cannot accept the fact that gays and lesbains exsist. Too bad. Wake up and smell the roses. Cause like it or not, they are around. Again i say. I don't plan to remain in the gay circle forever. I plan for a loving wife and children in the future. To bring up my kids to be useful people when they grow up. It's part and parcel of a person's life. Fatherhood. However, to be able to do that, i will need to overcome my own personal barriers in life. My own stigma with my family, the hurt and the sadness i still feel now. How can i ever, in good faith settle down to a family when i have not even settled myself down emotionally? Is it fair to my wife and kids? That said, the only reason why i am in the gay circle is because before i grow old and die, i just want to have ONE boyfriend. Just ONE for pete's sakes. There are so many people who shy away from relationships they think is morally wrong, against god blah blah blah. But when it boils down to it, it's just plain ignorence isn't it? Say what you will, but to me, this is just a part of life's lessons. One gay relationship in life. See where that leads you and what it brings. Will there be real love and happiness in this sort of relationship? Well, we will never be sure until we try it right? I have been in the gay circle for close to 13 years. Ever since i was 12 years old. No one knew. Until i grew up older in my late teens till twenties, when friends started to suspect, family members started to question. Really, is a guy loving another guy really so bad? Do they not breath the same air, walk the same earth as the other self-righteous Homophobic-Homosapiens? Really, the scientific lable for human beings even has the word HOMO in it. Please. You figure it out yourself. But as fate/luck would have it. After so many years, i turn up Zero in the relationship department. Nil. Zilch. Nada. Another strong indication of heavenly intervention? Please, not that i have not tried. Both Gay and even straight boys i have approached. NO RESULT. LOL. you know what, i think i must be the most condemmed "gay" in the bloody gay circle. Not that i'am complaining or what. It's good right? no relationship what-so-ever? so when asked, i can truely say "No, i don't have a girlfriend and NO, i don't have a boyfriend either."

My faithful readers, if any at all, will remain my faithful readers to the contents of my blog. It is a way for me also to communicate my feelings which, would not have been easy for me to bring out otherwise. I am not afraid to be truthful to what i am, to my friends and to myself. I say this again. I am open and truthful to people i care about. Sometimes yes, i do make jokes and put in a white lie here and there. But in all honesty, who dosen't? Has anyone been absoulutely truthful about him/herself in his/her entire life?

But i try. I don't try TOO hard. But i DO try.

I have gone beyond fear of losing friends due to the truth about what i am. I have cried my share, Hurt my lot. I have grown beyond that. Friends and aqquaintences come and go. I have lost a few that way. At the end of the day, true friends will remain and stick by you. No matter what you are, and what you believe in, all within reason of course. That's fair. But to pass judgement on only a very superfical view of me? It's your perogative of course, but you know what?

Give me a chance. Give yourself a chance too

What have you got to lose?


EarlGrey blogged @ 1:25 AM | archives

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James Lee Ng
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