Friday, December 30, 2005

Friday 30th DEC 05 11:11pm.


Have you ever made a promise to someone, yet, at the end of the day, broke that promise, while knowing that, in all honesty, you could have kept it, but just choose NOT to? If so, had you felt bad about it?

I won't say that i have kept ALL my promises that i have given in my life. Sure, i have broken some promises deliberately before when i was younger and never even batted an eyelid. However, as one ages, he/she will have his/her own fair share of promises broken by others before. When the reciever of a broken promise becomes one's self, the tables ARE turned isin't it? One would feel betrayed, dissapointed, even sad. In it all, one would feel the most dissapointed if the promise was broken by a family member. Don't say no. You know as well as i do it's the most difficult thing to accept if a promise is broken by your very own family member. After all the promises that were given and broken by my own mother, no less, i have really given up hope in ever trusting anyone ever again. And it seems that people who do not honour their words just because of a heck-care attitude is not only confined to my family, but even the people around me as well.

Thursday after Aikido training, BoonYong was talking to me way up till about 2am in the morning. He was saying how good he felt about Aikido and that he wants to learn so much more about it. It's all well and good. And as his senior, i offered to coach him the next day, free of charge at my place. He told me he would make his way down to my place the next day and learn something more. I was silly i guess. I actually believed him. I should have known better. The next day, as usual, after waiting for half a day, he told me on MSN he dosen't have the mood to come over to my place anymore. I half expected that that would be the case.

True, this may just be a small thing, really no need for me to make so much noise over this. But the issue here is this. It's the way he could just nonchalantly brush it all aside. Choosing, instead, to go to another friends' place and spend HOURS just doing nothing or having fun with his toes. My stand is really very simple. If he had NO intention of taking his own words seriously, WHY lead me to believe otherwise in the first place? Not only him, of course. There is Julius too. He called me up the other day, and asked me if i would be free to go out with him the next day. He could not decide the details so told me that he would call me up the next day to confirm everything. The next day came. The next day passed. Yet, NOT a single phone call. Not only that, there was no news from him for the next few days straight. If he had REMEMBERED we wanted to meet, even if it was too late, would it have KILLED him to give me a call, and SMS, and if he is really trying to save up his money, to just msg me on MSN when he sees me online, which i practically am EVERYDAY? What does this show? You decide.

As far as I personally am concerned, I keep my promises and try damn hard at it. I promised BoonYong to get him a phone for his christmas present. Even though i was really broke (He still thinks that my mother's 43Million dollars is MINE), i still made it a point to get his phone for him. This is just ONE example. I don't make it a point to remember all the promises i kept for people. In the end, i'am not asking for anything in return. Just a very simple word.

RESPECT. I would like to think that perhaps, by showing my Juniors by EXAMPLE how a matured, RESPONSIBLE and trustworthy person is, SOME of it would rub off in them. Unfortunately, I have been slapped across the face again by reality.

Perhaps i have been too trusting. Too silly. I asked for it. Is a person's worth and popularity only judged by the amount of material things/favours he/she can provide? Is that it? From where i stand, it certainly seems to be the case. People like BoonYong, in the company of other friends, can make fun of me. Even to the extend of poking fun of my sexual preference. Yes. It has happened. He would call my handphone and tell me he is love sick and that he has turned gay and that even then, he would choose another gay boy instead of me.

What the hell is that shit all about? Do i feel hurt? Of COURSE i do. Does he care? OF COURSE NOT. It's just so fun for him, to poke fun. But this is the same person whom i got a new handphone for, whom i have paid his Aikido Lessons for. Yes.... Me. SILLY OLD GAY ME.

I feel so stupid sometimes. i really do. There is NOTHING i hate more then to be stuck, waiting someplace with no news as to what is going on. We made an appointment but in the end, i'am left to be waiting high and dry. Now, even with Handphones and SMSes, NOT EVEN A SINGLE notice can come. Just for me to wait and wait. And you know what? People can stood me up and EXPECT that I am the one to call them and ask them where they are!!!

You know after all that is said and done? All i want from people that i have treated like my own brother to do for me? Like BoonYong, Julius, Lester, Eddie and the other millions (ok.. so i'am stretching it alittle) of them out there.

Is for them to just say "Thank you, Kor". Show by the simplest of actions. Just that little Acknowleagement. Is it SOOOO hard to do?

I never asked them to love me back or be my BF or anything. Just a small word to show that at least, i DO mean something to them.

Is that so difficult?

A simple thing like a promise. I treat it seriously and keep my promises to you. Can't you respect me just this little bit, and keep your promises to me too?


EarlGrey blogged @ 11:12 PM | archives

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James Lee Ng
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6th Kyu (Blue Belt) 27th March 05.
5th Kyu (Blue Gold) 19th June 05.
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