Sunday 11th DEC 05 11:05pm
i am actually quite tired at the time of writting this blog. But i'll try my best to compose something readable anyway. Do forgive the tardiness of my entry if it so happens to be the case (that includes spelling, grammer, puncuation, continuity or any other such related effects of this entry).
On Saturday, i had my Year End house gathering that i hold every year without fail. But this year i decided to actually tone down and just invite a few close friends to gather with me. That day itself reinforced what i have always believed since the beginning.
No one really bothers. I must have sent out at LEAST 50 over SMSes to the contacts on my cellphone phonebook. At least half (that's 25, if anyone is wondering) stated they would turn up. With that "definately will attend" promise. Now, i'am a practical person. I will give allowance like maybe suddenly their boyfriend would have a fit, their pet cockroach had just given birth, their toe nails decided to drop or they suddenly found a pimple on their face and can NEVER face the world outside their house. So i was thinking, maybe 10-15 people will turn up. And when the day actually arrived?
A huge turnout of a massive FOUR people turned up for the gathering. Wonderful. Only John, Greg, Charles and Alex turned up. I waited a WHOLE bloody day and John and Greg decided to turn up only after 6pm.
You might argue that perhaps i didn't plan it properly, perhaps i didn't give people enough notice and enough reminders for my gathering. Well. I DID. I sent out SMSes months ago to my friends. "CLOSE" friends. Or so i thought. This year, i decided that i will not want to make it such a big deal in the sense that i invite ANYONE and EVERYONE that i know over. I decided to just wait and see what happens if ANYONE i have invited actually REMEMBERED. So now i know, don't i?
I could have had a better Saturday at the year end gathering with my Star Trek friends. But no, i HAD to have my gathering on THAT bloody day, thinking, BELIEVING even, that i have close friends who will turn up.
How wrong i was proven to be.
This incident has actually made me really sit down and think about matters. Just what am i to people anyway? Honestly? most often then not, i really feel taken for granted. I am treated like an ATM, a convinent company, someone that can be made used of as and when people like it and they know i won;t make a fuss out of it.
Am i really too easy going and generous? Perhaps i should just harden my heart and not care so much about other people's feelings and be selfish and do things for MY benefit. Maybe that is what the powers that be up there is trying to tell me. "STOP BEING SUCH A KIND HEARTED SUCKER"
Do not get me wrong. I am not complaining because only 4 people turned up for my gathering. I am just rethinking my stand on the issue at hand. It is really small things like this that makes a difference to a person. A person who actually bothers, would he/she not at LEAST bother to notify the host that he/she could not make it? Did anyone do it? Only Juzzy did.
Really. If at the end of the day, the people i care about, and MIND you, i have already stated this gathering was for my CLOSE FRIENDS, does not even give any importance to a samll thing like an invitation, then WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN GIVING A BLOODY DAMN for?
Perhaps it really IS time to wake up. Stop being such a stupid fool. I think i should just change my phone number and dissapear for good. Who will even notice that i am gone anyway? My CLOSE FRIENDS? HA. That's GOT to be the best Joke ever. How am i feeling currently? I'll tell you. I'am DISSAPOINTED. Disheartened. Friends? SERIOUSLY? Do i HAVE any?? It's not enough that my life if filled with a broken family? Cancerous Health and NOW, i can't even HAVE Some Emotional Health?
I AM HUMAN GOD DAMN IT. NOT AN ATM. NOT A CHAUFFER. NOT A PUNCHING BAG. NOT A MAID. NOT AN SOS PERSON TO CALL WHEN YOU NEED MONEY AND NOT A SANTA CLAUSE FOR PEOPLE TO CLIMB ALL THE WAY TO THE HEAD AND BLOODY PEE ON!
I am seriously so tired of all these fakes. All the masks that people wear around me.
I'll just go away.
I recently found another martial arts sport. Sports Chanbara. You use air swords to hit people all around. Now, i seriouly want to train in this sport. At least. I can really hit some people and vent my fustrations
AND. i have SUCH a terrible headache. I don't even KNOW what i'am Writting.
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