Wednesday 21st DEC 05 11:00pm
THE END OF NO BEGINNING
Lately, after all things that have happened in my life, i have decided that there are a few things i have to do. And do fast. Firstly, i have grown tired of trying. trying to care for people. Trying to be there for them. At the end of the day, i dissapoint myself, and more often then not, the people i care about dissapoint me. Perhaps it's just my expectations are too high for anyone to conform to. But who can please everyone in this world? I certainly can't. In all fairness, i do not expect them to either. I care about people like Julius, BoonYong, Jon and so many others. but at the end of the day, i find myself more confused and hurting more. I had a fight with Julius some days back. Words were exchanged. Although it was a small matter in the first place, i realised that such problems are still going to come up time and again. After all, who am i to him? Nothing but a friend. Friends are easy to find isn't it? Maybe i am cruel to say that Julius only treats me as a simple friend. Unfair? To put it simply. I really do not know what he treats me as. And honestly, i am too tired to try to find out. As for BoonYong, i have decided that he is a gone case also. Perhaps it was a total mistake for us to have even met in the first place. So many things and emotions in my heart, it's immpossible for me to relay in words how i feel now. Confusion? Depression? Anguish? Anger? maybe even a bit of all.
I have always tried to be there for the people in my life. But at the end of the day, when i need someone in my time of need, where are they? Zero. None. Am i trying too hard? perhaps. So maybe now it's time for me to just let go. I am used to being alone anyway. How much worse can it get? Besides, who would want to get close to a monster like me? Right? I have thought about leaving my Aikido training. But on closer reflection, i realised it would be most irresponsible for me to do that at this moment. There is no one else who can take over me as an Assistant Leader currently. I cannot just leave my Dojo alone to clear up the mess i left behind. It's NOT ME.
But, i have decided to just do what is required of me. Nothing more, nothing less. No more trying to get people to stay in our Dojo, or trying to get people who have left back. Simply put, i am DONE caring. It really dosen't pay actually.
Friends? Really?
HAHAHAHAHA. I can laugh till my teeth drops. How would you feel, if someone decides to Block you on MSN, does not even take your calls, does not listen to your explaination, and even stops Aikido just to avoid you, and in the END, ADDS you in friendster, then REMOVES you again? I certainly felt like a fool, a rag doll that people push around according to their whims and fancy. NO MORE. I have ENOUGH of this shit. And BoonYong can come laugh at me, saying that someone removed me from his friendster. Really, is it funny? Apparently so. So if it's funny to him, i invited him to remove me as well. I mean, come on. Since it's a bloody joke, why not play it even bigger right? I'am the clown anyway. And Julius? I'am not dissapointed at him. I'am dissapointed at myself. Why did i have to BUY the bloody MP3 Player from him in the first place? Sigh.
No. Everything is my fault. I don't have much time in this world anyway. I will just have to leave things be. I know that Isaac cares for me alot. And i am very touched. But, feeling abit of loss now is better then feeling a big loss later, when the bad things happen.
It is really easy to push people away. Serious. You just have to be hostile to them. Give the "I don't care" attitude. People will be put off sooner or later. Trust me. It works. They will all leave you soon enough.
What they don't realise is, I hurts me a ton more then it will ever hurt them. But that pain is for me and me alone. They should hate me, get angry at me, avoid me, bitch about me. That's what they should do. GIVE up on me.
At least, when i am gone, they won't grief.
EARLGREY
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