Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Monday 16th JAN 06 Midnight


Today was the start of a new week. The calender year has just passed and in a short time, the Lunar year will pass. The year of the DOG will be upon us. Has anyone gotten a good start for 2006 before the year of the DOG comes upon us?

For those who had good things coming for you, you have my congratulations.

It's not been so for me.

I just found out today that BoonYong has always hated me. Yes. Hated. It did not matter how i have been treating him all those years. He has already put it in his mind that i am a monster, a person of bad/ill intent. He could not accept the fact that i am gay. His words are "I just HATE gays", and "Why do you like guys???? why can't you be a man and do what is right?".

Those words cut me in deep. Really deep. Do i need him to tell me what is right or what is wrong? If he did so hate me like he said, why did he still accept my gift of a handphone, why did he still accept my offer to pay for his Aikido Lessons? Why did he still hang out with me?

Could it be that is is for the very same reasons that he has been telling his friends about behind my back? that i am someone who is "Easy to Con" and "Will always get free things" from? I am someone who always likes to see the good side of people, no matter what other people may say about him/her. I really want to believe very much that the reason that he still hangs out with me is not because of the above reasons. Unfortunately, his actions seems to say otherwise. To say that i am dissapointed or sad would be an understatement.

I have to get one thing very clear. I am NOT a rich person at all. I have bills that i have to struggle to pay and i bearly have enough to feed myself sometimes. But when it comes to people i love and care about, Money is and never will be a factor to me. This is what hurts me the most. The fact that i am willing to put his interests FIRST, and YET, still have him cut me up with his words.

But you know what the strange thing about this whole issue is?

I cannot blame him. I won't

The fact remains that i am not a straight person. I chose to accept myself for what i am, i should be prepared to face the consequences of that action. Any normal straight person would be disgusted and repulsed by the thought that there are "abnormal" people around. People that "goes against" nature. I should have been prepared for that. But at the end of the day, i am HUMAN too. I very much want to believe that there is SOMEONE out there who can understand and accept me for who i am, what i am. I thought i have found that person. In the end, i found out i was so seriously wrong. When BoonYong told me those words, i was suddenly brought back many years with my first godbrother whom i also loved alot. And i still love him now. We were together for about 3 years and i finally decided to reveal to him who and what i am. And his words, as clear as i can remember like it was yesterday was "Let us pretend we never knew each other from this moment on."


Maybe i am just plain stupid to trust that there are people who will actually be touched by a person's true and unconditional love and heart. How Navie of me. It won't be so bad if he just did not show his appreciation for what i have done for him. But to seriously just be nonchalant about the ways that he could have hurt me, and not even giving it a damn is what really breaks my heart.

Perhaps, this is one of the reasons why i find myself constantly poor everytime? I have been giving too much to people, and having NOTHING back in return?

I could have gotten myself many things that i want for my own use. Why didn't i? I could have been living in a life of luxury and pamper myself silly. WHY DIDN'T I?

Is it silly of me?

Words cannot describe what i am feeling now.

I have told myself many times to be heartless. To just not care about others and be selfish and think for my own benefit. The whole world seems to be doing that. But i simply cannot. It's just not in me. I just want to have someone by my side to understand and be with me. I tried so hard. Hoping, Believeing, Praying.

In the end, i am still alone.

I give up. I really do. I want to just leave everything and move on with my life. Be DONE with this life. Friends? Family? i have NONE of those.

Now, i have even lost my faith and my heart.

What else is there for me to hope for?

I am contemplating to stop blogging also. What's the point?

When Faith dies, How does life go on?


EarlGrey blogged @ 12:10 AM | archives

---*make it real*---

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James Lee Ng
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6th Kyu (Blue Belt) 27th March 05.
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