Wednesday 11th JAN 06 12:50am
Today my tenant moved in. He shocked me by moving 2 truck loads of belongings to my place. And he is only renting ONE ROOM. Some people just own too many things. Peijing and Jon came to my place too. BUSY BUSY day.
In the evening, it was Aikido training time at HQ. I was actually feeling quite unwell these few days. Blame the stinking weather. RAINed the bloody whole time these few days. Might as well DROWN our island and get it over with.
I don't know why, but i suddenly had this very big mood swing to the mode of depression. I thought about alot of things. Firstly, I indirectly hinted to one of my fellow aikidoka Joey at HQ about the contents of my blog, address which i subsequently wrote for him. He was asking me why i didn't have a girlfriend at my age. I was like... YEAH.... why suddenly ask this sort of question. So i just answered him a straight forward answer as i know how. I don't like girls, I'am gay. I was expecting him to suddenly turn a colour and faint or something. LOL. He turned the tables and suprised me by just saying "OK".
WOW. Anyway, maybe he thought i was joking. When i got back home, he read my blog and told me he actually suspected all along that i WAS gay. Oh my god. Seriously, am i THAT obvious? He went on and told me that he suspected because i didn't have a girl friend at my age. DUHZ. What kind of logic is that? No girlfriend at my age automatically makes a person gay? RIGHT. The logic of teenagers nowadays. He told me also that he will still continue to treat me just like any other friend. Well.... we ALL know how it's gonna end in the end right? Let's just see how long the friendship WILL last then.
But you know what? I'am not sorry for telling him what i am. I believe in being truthful to your friends. If he can accept, then he will. If not, then well.... better to know it sooner then later. Such an incident has actually got me thinking back again. Thinking of the times when i was younger when i hated myself for being different, for sheding tears for another boy.
It was the darkest and most horrible time of my young, teenage life. Because of this, i tried to commit sucide 3 times. Yes. I hated myself THAT much. I'am really no different then any other straight people out there. I was afraid of what i was when i discovered i fancied male company more then the opposite gender. So great was the fear that i hated myself. I had no one else to turn to. There was no internet or handphones during my time. And in my time, such topics were considered too taboo to even be thought of. I retreated into my own shell. I didn't want to speak to anybody. I became an outcaste by my own choosing.
So i can totally understand why people have left me because of what i am. What those people don't realise is that it hurts me many times more to lose friends then it would affect those who left. Some people i know asked me why i still chose to remain gay if i so hated myself so much. Why didn't i make the change to be "normal". The answer is simply, There is no need.
It's as simple as asking a straight person WHY he loves a female as opposed to a male? Does the person KNOW? He dosen't. He just knows it's right. He just knows it feels comfortable to him. There is no answer, no way to explain why that is so. It is just natural. The same goes for me. To me, there is just nothing wrong with having a relationship with another same gendered person. What IS Love and Affection anyway? Is it only restricted to opposite genders, and only then is it considered pure love?
During those dark moments of my teenage days, after the 3 attempts to end my life, i realised that there are somethings that just happens to people. Some people are born poor, some born rich. Some born crippled and some even are born with the most drop-dead good looks a guy or a girl can ever dream of. What IS fair? There is no such thing as fair. I decided to look for like minded people. Maybe, i can find out for myself if my attraction to the same gender is just a "passing phase" of my growing up life.
I found a world that was totally different. Flamboyant teens who think nothing of dressing up as a girl, of walking and behaving in a very sissy manner. Although i would never do anything like that, there is one thing that all these people have in common.
They are HUMAN.
They cry, they bleed, they feel loss when people they care and love just leave them because they could not accept. But yet, they continue to fight. They continue to be who they are despite the fact that they are ostracised and condemmed. They made me felt small and useless.
Why? Because i choose to walk the easy way out. Instead of accepting what i am, i chose to end my life. And by the hands of fate, i did not die. Only to find out that by some act of life, i was given not ONE, but THREE chances at life, and to see for myself why commiting sucide is such a cowards way of ending things.
I have to accept that i am different. True, there will be people who shy away from me because of what i am. And it may even be true that i will forever be alone in this world because of that. But i still have my own life to lead, things to see, experiences to learn from.
Would i change what i am if given a chance? It's always the easiest isn't it? to just erase the past and get a fresh new start at life. To be "normal".
No. I won't change what i am even if there was a chance for me to do so. I am not a perfect person. So what if i changed to be "normal"? would it mean that i would be happier? Does it mean that i will have a problem free life? No, It dosen't.
I have no love in my life. This much i have accepted. No one i have known so far can accept me or my love for them. Even most people i know could not accept a friendship with me. They would try to be poliet and say assuring things. But i know what's really in their hearts.
There are times when i am outside walking and i see couples happily sharing their own time together i feel a sense of loss and envy. Why can't i have that?
I am a real person with real emotions and a willing heart to give. Why can't i have someone to love and who can love me back too? For that matter, why can't i even retain people whom i want to have as friends?
would there EVER be anyone for me?
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