Monday, May 29, 2006

Monday 29th MAY 06 08:15am


Is it better to have loved than to never have loved before? I suppose in my case, the former is true. I have loved and still do, many people in my life. Maybe it's just because i'am the more emotional type or that i'am just so despo for a partner. Whatever works. I am not someone who asks for alot. I'am a simple person with simple wants and needs. Yet, real life is never really that simple is it?

But there are some concessions.

During the weekend i managed, after some difficulty and long wait, to FINALLY be able to meet up with Joey from my Aikido class for the movie X-Men 3. We met at Plaza Singapura at 1pm. God bless his soul. This young 15 year old boy is matured for his age. He actually came on time. Now, how many kids these days actually value punctuality at all? After we met up, (I almost thought i would be late as i was unsure how to drive to the place from my office) we went to the Kopitiam for lunch. There he impressed me again. When he got his food, he actually WAITED for me to get my food before starting his meal. Now, how many kids these days actually have simple table manners like this? After lunch we went to watch our movie.

X-Men 3, in my view, was rushed and too short for a trilogy. At only 100 odd mins, the movie felt rushed. Albeit with alot of CGI effects and powers shown. Go watch it during the week day. It's not worth your $9.50 to watch it during the weekends.

After the movie, Joey had to go off to meet his parents. Although we only have each other's company for 4 hours, it was one of the more happy moments in my life. It was simple, happy, conducive. Yes, so i like Joey, in the more special way then just friends. But this is ALL i ever wanted. To share a movie together, communications. In short, just company and good clean fun. Of course, if i am able to hug him and hold his hands all the better. But one must not be too greedy for what has already been given.

It took me awhile to actually be able to meet up with him. The reason is really very simple. Our age gap is just too huge. I admit, i was very saddened that we can't even seem to have a decent conversation on MSN, SMSes are almost zero. We only see each other for a short time once a week at Aikido class. That is, assuming he even turns up at all. The ultimate was when he told me he was talking untill 4am with a 21 year old girl on MSN during a school day, no less.

Then it actually hit me. It really didn't matter what i feel about him or how much we see each other. At the end of the day, he will never be able to click with me as much as i would like it to be. He's a boy, and i'am a guy. He would rather spend his sleepless nights talking to a girl, no matter how old, then to spend time talking to me, cause that's what boys do isn't it? talk to girls.

Yes, i'am sad. And he will NEVER understand WHY or accept the reason behind it.

I just have to accept it myself.

I am already thankful that i have his company for those 4 hours.

Yes, That's good enough for me..... as weird as that sounds. You guys will understand what i mean when you fall in love in the future. It's the little things that makes up the whole equation.

After he left, i spent some time thinking. It was not too long ago when i was going down to a club every Saturday night just because of one boy and just to be dissapointed when i saw him holding hands with a CMI (Cannot Make It) 30 +++++ man. The thing is, This CMI guy is RICH.
The boy i like is 19 and cute as hell, and the man he is with? Looks like a bad accident between a horse and it's black behind. But the thing is, the guy is RICH.

Is money really so powerful? Is money able to get you things so easily? I have been dirt poor before, living only on slices of bread and tap water, struggeling to pay my bills and having people knocking at my door demanding payment.

Now, i live in a spacious 4 storey bungalow with even an in built lift. I have a good job that pays well and i actually have money in my bank. Life is better now no doubt about that. But i have never made it a point to flaunt this status of mine. I invite my friends to my place sure, but not because i want to show off what i have, but because i want to SHARE my blessings with those that i know and care about. You can "buy" someone by your side when you have the wealth to do so i'am very sure. I've seen it myself. But really, would this person love you for who you are? or just because you can feed him/her with dollar bills and credit cards?

I tried it once. I tried to see whether money really equates to "power of purchase". I offered payments and material wealth to BoonYong in return for companionship. And his response?

He agreed.

Based on the fact that i can provide him with all that he needs and wants. It was easy. I was shocked by the simpleness of it myself to be very honest. Then i suddenly felt disgusted. Not with him. But with myself.

To actually offer a person that i love and care about money and material gains JUST so that he/she will be with me? That has GOT to be the greatest INSULT ever. How could i ever have thought of something as disgusting as that? And apparently BoonYong felt it too, after he actually said yes to my offer. I suppose he also felt the shock of what he has just agreed to.

Since then, he has avoided me and even blocked me on MSN. You see, my friends. There is always a fine line between friendship and love. You insult it with money like your friend or loved one is an object for purchase, you have no one to blame but yourself when this person just walks away from your life.

I should know.

It happened to me.


EarlGrey blogged @ 8:16 AM | archives

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