Thursday, May 04, 2006

Thursday 4th MAY 06 10:20am


I know i have said this before, but i'll say this again anyway.

I'am so tired. Tired of seeking, waiting, looking, wanting, hoping, praying for the love in my life. I see my sister and brothers happily attached. I feel happy for them of course. But then i will think and look at myself and realise what an empty shell i am.

As much as personal fortunes are concerned, i now live in a big bungalow, I have a stable job with a relatively good pay, i have my own transport now albeit not a very good one, but a decent vehical nontheless. I do not have much bills to pay as most of my needs are taken care of. Life is picking up for me NOW.

Yet, i'am STILL a poor man. There is just this very big void in my heart. I really try not to think about it. But the more i fight the feeling of loneliness, the harder it strikes at me. I immerse myself in my work. It helps for a while. Then while driving home or to my other destinations and listening to the raido where they ALWAYS like to air those bloody love songs, It hits me again with a double shot of pain.

I am, like any other person on earth, made of flesh and blood. I have feelings and emotions too. I need to hold somebody and love somebody. In return, i need that somebody to hold me and love me back too. Is that too much to ask?

I certianly hope not in my case.

I have loved and still do, many people in my life. Julius, Boon Yong, Jon, Isaac, Joey. But we can never progress beyond brotherhood in our relationship, if ever at all. If either of them read this post, they will most likely freak out and NEVER talk to me again. But you see, i'am tired of hiding my feelings from people. Especialy people i care about. I don't freaking care anymore what other people will or might think about me. I know that i am an upright person. Yes, so i prefer boys to girls. Big deal. Sue me.

But i'am also a realistic person. I can cry and whine about the unfairness of it all till the cows come home and give milk. The fact remains, The people that i love now, will NEVER be able to be with me. Such is the price I pay for the lifestyle that i chose.
My blog is the only other place i can bare my true feelings to.

Yes, i really love them.

And because of that, i also cannot have them.

When i die, i leave this world with my heart, and a love that was never accepted.


EarlGrey blogged @ 10:18 AM | archives

---*make it real*---

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James Lee Ng
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5th Kyu (Blue Gold) 19th June 05.
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